Your Kid’s Not Going Pro

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Green Death soccer coach — not an asshole

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So say parents ticked that one Massachusetts soccer coach’s attempt at satire has made him a national laughingstock, and not because his email portraying himself as Sgt. Hartman for 6- and 7-year-old girls (“Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers.”) was up there with the collected works of Oscar Wilde.

From Wicked Local — Wicked Local? Who named this, Jimmy Fallon? —  the site of the Quincy Patriot-Ledger and Scituate Mariner:

Mike Kinahan, the Scituate Youth Soccer coach who resigned after writing a controversial “Green Death” e-mail, is nothing like the over-competitive person depicted in news, radio and television stories, according to people who know him.

Terry Murphy, who has been Kinahan’s co-coach for the past few years, said the issue has become “completely overblown.” Shannon Tobin, whose daughter played on Kinahan’s team in the past, compared the controversy to “a witch hunt.”

I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you, don’t youuuuuuuuu…

Apparently the “sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-calf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks” in the past were quite the fans of Kinahan’s work. Here, Edward Delano, who has had three kids play for Kinahan, gives his own thumbs-up. It’s funnier if you read his comments, and the comments of other parents, in a Boston accent. (Easy for me, because my dad is from Concord, Mass. Wicked Cahn-cud.)
“He does them periodically,” Delano said. “It’s just in jest, in fun. They’re usually very comical.”

When Delano first saw the now-controversial e-mail, he said he thought, “It’s the same old shtick. It’s the same Mike.”

Jennifer Masuret’s daughter and son both played for Kinahan’s teams. She said the goal of his e-mails has always been “to help parents laugh during the hectic grind of spring soccer.”

Masuret said that as a coach, Kinahan succeeded in getting his players excited to play.

“He’s just enthusiastic,” she said. “He’s not yelling, ‘Losing is for losers’ out on the field. My daughter’s never been so enthusiastic. My daughter came off the field fired up for next week’s game.”

If it’s any consolation to Kinahan, he’s not the first master of satire to have an unfamiliar audience react violently to his work. There are probably still people who believe Jonathan Swift wanted to eat Irish children, that Randy Newman don’t want no short people round here, or that people bow down in worship to a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Also, losing a volunteer gig coaching in the Scituate Soccer Club is a very small price to pay for a budding satirist. Lenny Bruce was jailed and succumbed to heroin addiction. Waleed Hassan was killed on the streets of Baghdad, and Jaime Garzon was gunned down on the streets of Bogota. Wilde died penniless and broken after the Marquis of Queensberry orchestrated criminal charges against him, following an unsuccessful attempt to toss turnips (huh?) at Wilde during the premiere of  “The Importance of Beign Ernest,” because Wilde had taken up with son.

Then again, none of them had something snarky written about them on Deadspin. So maybe Kinahan has earned his satirist hairshirt after all.

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