Your Kid’s Not Going Pro

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Precocious hockey kid's finger-wag will never die

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The beauty of having children is that they can lecture you like you’re a dumbass. Like how my 12-year-old son the other night, for his science class, had to interview numerous people about whether their habits were Earth-friendly, as if I needed someone who sucks power through a garden hose with his Xbox giving me an implied guilt trip because I have the temerity to drive my car a whopping four miles a day, round-trip, to get to my mass-transit train that takes me to work so I can afford to pay his electric bill.

Another 12-year-old boy, Miller Donnelly of Sudbury, Ont., has taken child harangues to the older generation to a new level, or should I say the 266,000-odd YouTube viewers (and counting) have done so with “The Magic Hockey Helmet,” which got a recent push from young Miller’s interview with ParentDish. “The Magic Hockey Helmet” is Donnelly, when he was 9, talking in full Canadian accent about how aboot the time he puts on a hawkey helmet, he magically turns into a 20-year-old (minus-6.67 Celsius), with people screaming and cursing at him.

[youtubevid id=”rWjBvcfhRX0″]

Listen, kid, I know full well how to act at a game without your cute little spiel. By the way, I must say, if you’re playing like a 20-year-old, it’s probably because you handle the puck like a major junior with multiple undiagnosed concussions! Holy fucking shit, kid! You’re like a convenience store — no checks! JUST PASS THE PUCK ALREADY, ASSHOLE! MOUNT RUSHMORE CALLED — THEY SAID THEY NEED YOU TO GIVE BACK THE FUCKING STONE YOU CALL YOUR HANDS!!!!!!

I mean, really, where do these kids get off telling adults how to behave?

Written by rkcookjr

December 3, 2009 at 1:25 am