2016 Olympics in Chicago: Make me an offer, international community

As I write this, we are only two hours away from finding out whether my city, Chicago, will be awarded the 2016 Olympics. However, I want to get the jump on other locals by taking your outrageous offer to use what I have to make your experience in Chicago — assuming of course, we get the games, more pleasant and profitable (for me).

First, my house. Please rent it! I have a 3-bedroom, 2-bath house located near Midway Airport, two suburban commuter lines and a bus line that will get you to Midway and the El located therein. Also, being on the south end of the city (four blocks outside the city limits, to be exact), I’m convenient to proposed Olympic stadium, which will be located on the south side. For those of you from Ireland, I’m in the center of a lot of ethnic Irish, judging by all the laborers’ business cards I get with a shamrock on them. For those of you from Muslim countries, my location also is in an Arabic enclave close to mosques, restaurants and the Muslim bakery that makes what is known as South Side bread.

Starting bid: $750 per day.

Next, my van. Two vans to be exact. My wife and I (and my two children who will be 19 and 17 in 2016) can drive you anywhere you need to go. We know all the shortcuts, although in some of them I would recommend locking your doors. The vans can fit five adults comfortably, and at least 10 uncomfortably.

Starting bid: $150 per day on retainer, $10 per mile.

Next, my children. My oldest son, who will be 19, is an aspiring photographer, and travels everywhere by Rollerblade. My oldest daughter, who will be 17, loves animals and can pet-sit if needed. I also will have a son who will be 13 and a daughter who will be 11 and can handle multiple tasks. If your country has no child labor laws, then neither do we!

Starting bid: $100 per child, per hour.

Contact me today, before the rush!