All-white league lets your paleface kid go pro without those pesky Negros around!

Hey, you white parents who spent thousands of dollars on basketball lessons, leagues and travel, then saw your dreams dashed and money wasted the first time your obviously fundamentally sound child played against a 6-foot-9 black kid who could jump out the gym: do we have a league for you!

The All-American Basketball Alliance, a new league that took its name from a dead minor league, plans to kick off this year in 12 Southeastern cities, offering crackers for crackers. The league’s founder, Don “Moose” Lewis, explained to the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle why America is ready for a league of nothing but American-born players born to two, white American parents:

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of “street-ball” played by “people of color.” He pointed out recent incidents in the NBA, including Gilbert Arenas’ indefinite suspension after bringing guns into the Washington Wizards locker room, as examples of fans’ dissatisfaction with the way current professional sports are run.

“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

If Don “Moose” Lewis thinks white people inherently play fundamental basketball, he’s never watched the Indiana Pacers.

Anyway, before we go on, let’s say the obvious: this is an extremely stupid, vicious idea. However, Lewis’ crime might not be racism. It’s being a small-time pro sports promoter looking for any way the monetary wind blows.

Prototype of typical All-American Basketball Alliance game.

Lewis runs something called the International Boxing Union, one of the alphabet soup of boxing title designators with a web site that will take you back to 1994, and he’s also run women’s pro boxing and produced an erotic horror film featuring pro wrestling. He also appeared on the “Judge Joe Brown” television show, losing a case to a boxer who sued him.

And here is the Atlanta-based Lewis’ earlier idea for a pro league — the Global Basketball Alliance, from the early aughts, reflecting the style and attitude with which Vince McMahon was going to revolutionize professional sports. Yeah, the GBA didn’t work, either.

“Mix in the best of the Harlem Globetrotters, the XFL and its cheerleaders, and professional wrestling – and you have the red, hot, GBA! You will see players “high-fiving” each other, teams with their respective music, disc jockeys spinning club music, players at the end of the game tossing their jerseys into the stands, players screaming after a successful shot or key play, players in the stands at halftime, music artists at intermission, and ticket stubs redeemable for discounts on merchandise and admission to entertainment establishments. The GBA’s founder, Don “Moose” Lewis will be drawing from his years of professional wrestling, professional boxing, and television production to bring this to the people. The GBA offers beautiful and shapely cheerleaders for dad, handsome basketball players for mom, tee shirts and giveaways for the children, the hippest music for the young adults, and exciting memories for all who attend. The schedule is changed to twenty-four (24) games with the following teams: the Birmingham (Alabama) BreakOuts, the Harlem (New York) Hammer, the Savannah (Georgia) Ragin’ Rebels, the Atlanta (Georgia) Moose, the Florida (Tallahassee) Thrill, and the Tri-State Zombies.

Hey, when does Harlem get a team for the all-white league? And does the all-white league allow high fives, but only if they are awkward and do not result in full hands touching?

When Don “Moose” Lewis first toured message boards in the summer of 2009 to announce his All-American Basketball Alliance — because that’s what all the best leagues do — he noted the location of teams in the Southeast, but he left out that detail about the league being all-white.

It’s possible he didn’t think until later that an all-white league could be marketable. After all, in summer 2009, it wasn’t 100 percent certain we would have our first Kenyan president, no one outside Alaska and the snow-machine-racing circuit knew of Sarah Palin, and teabags were only used to turn your hot water into tea. It’s dangerous to parse and interpret someone’s level of racism, but given Don “Moose” Lewis’ history, up to and including T&A basketball with club hits in a gym in Harlem, it sounds less like he wants to bring back Lester Maddox-style segregation, and more like he’s read the ratings report for Glenn Beck’s television show.